When Road Trips go bad
by Sarah Sanderson 4w
Summary: When road trips go bad because random bus drivers attack (with helpfulness)! Truth and dare, laughter, stupidity, alcohol, karaoke and a little bit of lovin'.
1. Kitty, how could you?

Deemma_4w: We don't own nothing. If we did, do you think we'd be writing stupid fanfics?  
  
Anyways, this story was the result of a crazy phone call between me and a friend, which was continued at a 'Pulp Culture Expo'.  
  
Queen of Random: Yeah. I'm that crazy friend. Man, that expo was great. What was it that the guy who does the voice of Marik from Yu-Gi-Oh! said? Well, I'm not telling you! You'll find out later though!  
  
Deemma_4w: Let the chaos begin!  
  
When Road Trips go bad because Random Bus Drivers Attack!  
  
Chapter One: Kitty, how could you?!  
  
"What's that smell?" asked Scott as he and a few other members of the X-Men were driving along a deserted road. (Why they were doing that, I do not know). Actually, they were in a bus, and they were on a road trip.)  
  
"What smell?"  
  
"Oh my God, the bus is on fire!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Oh my God, the bus is on fire!"  
  
"You said that already!"  
  
"And I'm saying it again, the bus is on fire!"  
  
"Well, what do we do about it?!"  
  
"Sing and dance?"  
  
"Shut up Kurt!"  
  
"Panic!" shouted Jean. And so she did.  
  
"Jean, why are you running up and down the bus?" asked Kitty.  
  
"'Cause it's on fire, dumbass!" shouted Todd. (Oh, by the way, the Brotherhood is on the bus as well. Actually, so are the Acolytes, minus Magneto and Sabertooth. This is a mutant road trip.)  
  
"Well," answered Pietro. "Go find the fire and put it out! Pyro!"  
  
"Okay." Pyro walked done to the front of the bus (the Brotherhood and Acolytes were in the back), pinching Jean on the rear as he walked by, and when he got to front, looked at the fire and said, "Isn't she a beaut?"  
  
"What?" shouted Kitty.  
  
"She's gorgeous!"  
  
"Jean, can't you smother it?" asked Scott.  
  
"No, not the pretty fire!" replied Pyro.  
  
"Pretty? What the hell is wrong with you Australians? First there was Russell Crowe, and now you?! What were they thinking when they let you out of the country?!" yelled Gambit.  
  
"They weren't thinking, yo!" (I guess you can tell from the 'yo' who is speaking, but for all you people who do not really pay attention to the show, it's Todd.)  
  
"Uh, the fire's gone out," interrupted Fred.  
  
"What? No!" screamed Pyro. "I'm coming baby!"  
  
1 hour later (and fifteen failed fire-starting attempts on the part of our resident pyromaniac - who forgot to bring matches. Shows you how dumb he is. At least in the movie he had that lighter), Rogue announced, "I'm bored."  
  
"Well, what do you want to do about it?"  
  
It was then that Kitty piped up with the four most dangerous words that anyone, human or mutant, can ever speak. "Play truth or dare!"  
  
Pietro paled more than usual, Rogue buried her face and her hands, but Todd and Fred, who hadn't played before (I think this is because they would have had no one to play with) said, "Okay."  
  
"All right," said Kitty. "Since it's my idea, I'll ask first. Lance," she said, turning to him, "truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth."  
  
"Why don't we make this round truths only, just to get into it?" suggested Colossus.  
  
Pietro leaned over and whispered something in Kitty's ear. She nodded vigorously, and asked, "Who on this bus do you like most?"  
  
Lance reddened and said, very quietly, "Amanda." (Oh, Amanda's hanging out with the mutants too.)  
  
"What?" cried Pietro, jumping up. "You were supposed to say Kitty, and I was supposed to make fun of you!"  
  
"Was?! Amanda ist meine Freundin!" (For all you ignorant people who could not be bothered learning another language, or decided not to learn German, Kurt just said, 'What? Amanda is my girlfriend!')  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I'm his girlfriend, idiot."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Okay," said Jean, trying to calm the situation down. "It's Lance's turn to ask."  
  
"Right," said Lance, rubbing his hands together. "Time for a little payback. Pietro. How fast are you, really?"  
  
"That's a little too broad," said Scott. "You need to be more specific."  
  
"Okay," replied Lance. "How fast are you. . . with a girl?"  
  
"Fast enough that I could have had a lot of fun with all the lovely ladies on this bus in five minutes. . . twice."  
  
"That's not a lot of fun for us," muttered Rogue.  
  
"He's lying!" shouted Todd.  
  
"Yeah," added Fred. "He can't touch Rogue!"  
  
"That's what you think," muttered Rogue.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Next go is mine," said Pietro. "Jean, are you a natural red-head?"  
  
"No!" shouted all but two of the passengers on the bus. One of them was Jean (duh!), while other was Scott.  
  
"Oh, come on, Jean," said Kitty. "We all know. We just want to hear you say it!"  
  
"I AM A NATURAL RED-HEAD!"  
  
"What's up with her?" whispered Freddy to Todd. "She agreed to this game, didn't she?"  
  
"Don't know, yo!" was the reply.  
  
"I AM A NATURAL RED-HEAD!" repeated Jean. "Scott, tell them!"  
  
"So, is she a natural red-head?" asked Lance.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How do you know?  
  
"I just do, okay!" shouted Scott, his face going the same colour as his glasses - or, if you prefer, Jean's natural hair colour.  
  
"Um, Jean," said Amanda. "It's your go, now."  
  
"Fine," said Jean. "Wanda, what was the very first thing you wrote in your diary this year?"  
  
"I don't remember," came the reply.  
  
"I can tell you! I can tell you!" shouted Pietro, jumping up and down. "I'll be right back."  
  
In a blur he was gone, and in the few seconds he was gone, Lance said, "Oh, no. he's gotten into the candy again, hasn't he? All right! Who gave him sugar?!"  
  
"I'm back," sang a voice. "And look-ee what I have! Wanda's diary!"  
  
"I'm going to kill you if you even dare -"  
  
"January 1," began Pietro, reading aloud. "Dear Diary. Woke up this morning, and something smelt kinda fishy. No, kinda TOADY. Todd was in my room! AGAIN! If my father knew what he was up to, well. . . yeah. You know what would happen. You're the only one who understands me, well, my Barbie does too, but, that's not the point." Pietro stopped speaking there, as he was laughing so hard, he fell off the seat, his face landing right on top of Todd's feet. "GROSS!" he shouted, jumping up.  
  
Wanda took this opportunity to snatch the dairy back, but there was another blur, and the dairy was back in Pietro's hands. "We'll save this for later."  
  
"My turn now," said Wanda. "And I want to dare someone."  
  
"But isn't this round truths -" Wanda raised an eyebrow. "Okay, dare it is."  
  
Wanda looked around for her victim. And they stopped on Kurt, still sniggering about the whole Barbie doll thing.  
  
End of chapter one. 


	2. The Bus runs on NotPetrol!

Queen of Random: As the Queen of Random, I declare that Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, is not mine! Although he is welcome to become a Random Citizen if he wishes.  
  
Deemma-4w: Ideas for dares are welcome from all. But purple spotted monkeys are not!  
  
Queen of Random: I agree! It took my servants two weeks to get rid of them last time!  
  
Chapter Two: The Bus runs on Not-Petrol?!  
  
"Kurt. Truth or dare?" asked Wanda. "He he he."  
  
"I'll miss you, buddy" said Scott.  
  
Kurt swallowed. He knew what he was going to have to pick. "Dare," he said meekly.  
  
"Good." Wanda smiled. "I dare you to," she looked around the bus, trying to think of a suitable punishment. And her eyes locked on the petrol can under Kurt's seat. "I dare you to drink the contents of that container."  
  
Kurt's eyes widened. "Was? Petrol will kill me!"  
  
"Drink the damn stuff, blue-boy! Or else I will kill you!"  
  
Kurt was faced with a terrible decision. Death by petrol, or by a pissed off Scarlet Witch. "I'll drink it," he said without hesitation. "Hand me the container."  
  
"Kurt, you don't have to do this!" cried Amanda.  
  
"But I have to." With that, he began drinking.  
  
"Chug, chug, chug!" shouted Pietro and Todd.  
  
But something was not right. Instead of a look of revulsion on his face, there was instead, a look of pure ecstasy, as Kurt realised what he was drinking was not going to kill him. In fact, what he was drinking tasted quite nice.  
  
"Kurt? Are you okay?" asked Amanda, when he had finished.  
  
"I didn't know the bus was powered by beer," he said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"This is a new design," called a voice from the front of the bus. "Alcohol is cleaner burning, and it is better for the environment."  
  
"Was that the bus driver who just spoke?" asked Freddy. "I forgot he was there."  
  
"Then who would be driving the bus, genius?"  
  
"Hey! I'm a genius!"  
  
Scott shook his head slowly as Kurt said, in a kind of slurred, but other wise normal voice, "My turn. Rogue! Truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare."  
  
Now at this point the alcohol must have seriously started to affect his sense of judgement, because he said, "I dare you to touch Scott and absorb his thoughts!"  
  
There was a smirk on Rogue's face as she asked, "Where should I touch him?"  
  
"You pick."  
  
Rogue touched Scott on the face, and he instantly fell onto Jean's lap. (I think that bit may have been planned by our favourite three-eyes.)  
  
Suddenly Rogue shouted, really loudly, "EEEEEWWWWW!!!!!"  
  
"What? What is it?"  
  
"I know what he was thinking!"  
  
"That was the point, Rogue," said Jean, cradling Scott's head in her lap. (Although I think at this point shoving him off would be more fun. Also, I think that he had started to wake up, and was at this point just faking it. Gee, a man faking it. Who would have thought?)  
  
"So," asked Kurt. "What was he thinking?"  
  
"Just thoughts about someone he has very high opinions of," came Rogue's answer. "Now, it's my turn. I pick Colossus. Truth or dare?"  
  
Now you must remember, folks, that this Russian behemoth was the scaredy- cat who wanted to make round one truths only. So, you can probably guess what he picked, but for the benefit of all you idiots out there, he said, "Truth."  
  
"All right, big C, but you must agree, here and now, that you will answer THREE questions, not one."  
  
"Agreed," he said, thinking nothing could be worse than having to drink a tank of alcohol.  
  
"Question one: How much of you gets covered by metal?"  
  
"Ooooh," said Pietro. "Good question!"  
  
"All of me."  
  
Colossus got some very strange looks from the group, and the bus driver swerved on the road, but Rogue managed to ask her next question. "Number two: Does this improve your sex life?"  
  
"Oh!" cried Kitty. "I so did not, like, need to know that!"  
  
"Mental image alert!"  
  
"I can add more than one layer. Does this satisfy?" answered Colossus.  
  
"I'll bet it does," replied Gambit.  
  
There were howls of laughter from the passengers of the bus, as Rogue moved on to her third and final question. "Last one: Do you rust?"  
  
"Thankfully, NO!"  
  
This was followed by more howls of laughter.  
  
"My turn," said Colossus. "Truth or dare, Freddy?"  
  
"Uh. . . um. . . dare?"  
  
"I dare you to eat what is in your pocket right now."  
  
First, out of Freddy's pocket appeared a candy bar. "Oh! That's no fun watching him eat that!" complained Todd. "If I wanted to watch him eat a candy bar, I would have stayed at home! Keep looking!"  
  
Next, out he pulled. . . "Not my portable TV!" cried Freddy.  
  
"Oh, yeah!" shouted Todd. "Now this'll be interesting!"  
  
Freddy slowly opened his mouth, and swallowed the TV. Whole.  
  
Amanda then whispered something to Kurt, and he yelled it out to the entire group. "Freddy just had a TV dinner!"  
  
"He did too!"  
  
"Oh no!" cried Lance, suddenly. "Freddy doesn't own a portable TV! Wait a minute, I do! No, did! Noooooooooooo! Spit it out, Freddy! Please, for the love of all that is mutant in the world, SPIT IT OUT!" he yelled. Then he started hitting Freddy on the back.  
  
And then the theme music for the TV show 'The Crocodile Hunter', starring Steve Irwin, came out of Freddy's mouth.  
  
"What the?" asked Todd. But he did not say anything more, because something blue and furry came flying at him.  
  
"I've got the blighter! Terri!" he shouted to Amanda. "Get the net! 


	3. Kurt: Toad Hunter

Deemm_4w: Ideas are welcome but wait to see what we come up with (he he he)  
  
Queen of Random: Did you know, Deemm_4w, that not singing karaoke is illegal in my Kingdom?  
  
Deemm_4w: Of course I do. I asked you to write that law.  
  
Queen of Random: Then let the songs begin, by Royal Decree!  
  
Chapter Three: Kurt - Toad Hunter  
  
"Terri! Get the net!" repeated Kurt.  
  
"Terri?" asked Pyro.  
  
"You should know, you're Australian," retorted Amanda. "He loves that TV show, about Steve Irwin. Terri is his wife."  
  
"Oooooooh! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a blue thing in the baby carriage!"  
  
"Shut up, Pietro!" cried Amanda, trying to tackle him, but he zipped away.  
  
"Terri!" shouted Kurt. "Leave that critter alone! Get over here and help me! Suuuu-eeee!" he hollered. "Suuuu-eeee!"  
  
"Now look what you've done, Wanda!" shouted Kitty.  
  
"Get off me you drunk monkey!" cried Todd.  
  
"Drunk monkey? Why Terri, it's talking! We must document this discovery!"  
  
"That's enough!" shouted Jean, and with her telepathy, lifted Kurt off Todd.  
  
"Thanks, yo."  
  
"Can we just get on with the next dare?" demanded Wanda.  
  
"Whose turn?" asked Freddy.  
  
"It's yours."  
  
"I have an idea," said Rogue, and began whispering in his ear. Freddy nodded eagerly.  
  
"Scott. Truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth," began Scott, but then Rogue began to take her gloves off. "Dare! Dare!"  
  
"Scott, I dare you to sing the song," Freddy looked at Rogue, and she nodded, "'Addicted' by Simple Plan. . . to Lance. As a love song!" he added, obviously enjoying what he was about to make Scott do.  
  
"What?! No way!" shouted Lance, Scott, Kitty and Jean, all at the same time.  
  
"Yes way!" shouted everyone else.  
  
"But we don't have the music!"  
  
Just then, over the loudspeaker, came a voice. "Please note that the karaoke machine is now available for use, and it contains all the latest and greatest songs, as ordered by my bosses. By the way, they love Simple Plan!"  
  
"Noooooo!" wailed Scott.  
  
"Damn that bus driver," muttered Lance.  
  
"Sing, sing!" shouted everyone, as a shiny silver disco ball descended from the ceiling, and a karaoke machine was wheeled out my Colossus. (Don't ask where it came from!)  
  
Slowly, Scott picked up the mike, and began to sing.  
  
"I heard you're doin' OK,  
  
But I want you to know  
  
I'm a dick,  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
I can't pretend I don't care  
  
When you don't think about me  
  
Do you think  
  
I deserve this?  
  
I tried to make you happy  
  
But you left anyway  
  
I'm tryin' to forget that  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
But I want it  
  
And I need it  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Now it's over  
  
Can't forget what you said  
  
And I never  
  
Wanna do this again  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
Since the day I met you,  
  
And after all we've been through,  
  
Still a dick,  
  
I'm addicted to you.  
  
I think you know that it's true  
  
I'd run a thousand miles to get you  
  
Do you think I deserve this?  
  
I tried to make you happy  
  
I did all that I could  
  
Just to keep you  
  
But you left anyway  
  
I'm tryin' to forget that  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
But I want it  
  
And I need it  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Now it's over  
  
Can't forget what you said  
  
And I never  
  
Wanna do this again  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
How long will I be waiting?  
  
Until the end of time.  
  
I don't know why I'm still waitin'.  
  
I can't make you mine.  
  
I'm tryin' to forget that  
  
I'm addicted to you.  
  
But I want it  
  
And I need it.  
  
I'm addicted to you.  
  
I'm tryin' to forget that  
  
I'm addicted to you.  
  
But I want it  
  
And I need it.  
  
I'm addicted to you.  
  
Now it's over  
  
Can't forget what you said  
  
And I never  
  
Wanna do this again  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Heartbreaker  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Heartbreaker"  
  
As the music died down, Scott shakily took his seat, bright red.  
  
"Hey, Summers!" shouted Lance. "I already knew you were a dick, but you didn't need to sing it to me!"  
  
"All right!" announced Pietro. "It's time for the next victim!" 


	4. Is it possible for guys to do so?

Queen of Random: Oh, my. We have a drunken teleporter, and embarrassed Scott, and a stupid Australian. This is going to be fun.  
  
Deemma_4w: Who like's music by the Afroman? He did 'Because I got high'. I'm just curious about that. Oh, and we don't own Simple Plan's or Nelly's songs.  
  
Queen of Random: Is there going to be more singing?  
  
Chapter Four: Is it possible for guys to do so?  
  
Scott, still seething about what Rogue had made him do, was trying to think of the best way to get his revenge. He couldn't get her to do a dare, as she had gone earlier. He couldn't forget that she had touched him, either. He looked around the room, and smiled, as his eyes focussed on the one person who could help him in this situation.  
  
Gambit.  
  
"Gambit, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare," replied the Cajun.  
  
"I dare you to," Scott, paused, pretending to think (pretending to think?), "give Rogue a lap-dance," he said, drawing out each word.  
  
"What?!" shrieked Rogue. "You can't do that!"  
  
"Yeah!" agreed Gambit. "Is it even possible for guys to give lap-dances?"  
  
"Yeah, it is," said Freddy. Everyone looked at him, shocked. "What? I'm allowed to know stuff, aren't I?"  
  
"Do you want music with that, Gambit?" asked Pietro, grinning from ear to ear. (Or, from ear to ego : ) Sorry!)  
  
"I'll have fries with that shake!" called Kurt, still drunk as a skunk. Then he fell asleep, and started drooling on Amanda's new skirt, muttering things like, "Stupid bunny rabbits and their stupid high heels!"  
  
Then suddenly, the song 'Getting hot in here', by Nelly, began to play.  
  
"All right, Gambit!" said Wanda. "Shake that thang!"  
  
"Wanda!"  
  
"Oh, knock it off, Pietro. You're not the only twin that can cut lose!"  
  
Gambit slowly moved towards Rogue. His movements were stiff as he began to unbutton his shirt. It was painfully obvious that he was uncomfortable with this. But then he caught Rogue's eyes, and smiled. It was just like the first time, and, more importantly, like all the other times.  
  
As he threw his shirt off, moving more in time with the music, a spark flew down the seams of his jeans. Which was followed by several shocked - and then jealous - gasps from the girls, as POOF! his jeans fell to the floor, leaving him standing there, wearing only his tightie-whities.  
  
"Oh, Gambit," whispered Jean.  
  
"Jean!" yelled Scott. This was not going according to plan. He had wanted to get Rogue back, not lose Jean to some French-speaking Cajun guy with a bad accent.  
  
As the song finished, Gambit went back for his jeans, and put them on. Or, at least, attempted to. He had not realised that by blowing the seams of his pants off, he could not put them back on. When he tried, they just fell off. Giving up, he sat down next to Rogue, still in his underpants.  
  
"My turn," he said, his eyes shining. "Pyro, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare. I'm not some Kiwi wuss."  
  
"Kiwi, huh?" asked Gambit. "Okay. I dare you to bet $500 that the New Zealand rugby team will beat Australia."  
  
"What?! There's no way that the All Blacks are going to beat the Wallabies! They're just a bunch of poofters!"  
  
"Then bet on them," ordered Gambit.  
  
"Fine! Where's a phone?!"  
  
"There is one right here, just for emergencies," called the bus driver. "The TAB is number 8 on the speed-dial."  
  
I'm starting to hate this bus driver," grumbled Pyro as he walked to the front. "He's like a Girl Guide, prepared for anything."  
  
After placing his bet, Pyro walked angrily back to his seat. He was in an even fouler mood because he found out that the TAB was offering higher odds on the New Zealanders to win. "My turn," he practically shouted. "You, Amanda, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth."  
  
"How furry is blue-boy," demanded Pyro.  
  
Amanda, going brighter red with each passing second, stuttered, "Um. . . um. . . how am I supposed to know?"  
  
"Oh, come on," said Jean "I know you're lying, so just get on with it."  
  
"Fine," said Amanda. "he's just as furry as Colossus is metallic."  
  
"Oh! Another mental image alert!"  
  
"He's my brother! I did not need to know that!"  
  
"Anyone else just think that's wrong?" asked Todd.  
  
"Yes," replied Freddy.  
  
"Hey!" cried a voice. "That's my girlfriend you're talking about!" Something blue launched itself on Todd, and he was gone in a puff of sulfurous smoke.  
  
"Where did you take him?" asked Amanda, when Kurt returned.  
  
"Not far," came the answer.  
  
"As long as he isn't hurt, that's fine by me."  
  
"Or in the bathroom," added Wanda. "Excuse me." With that, she got up, and headed for the bathroom. 


	5. Pretty Fly for a high Guy

Deemma_4w: Well, this is one road trip I'm not gonna forget for a long time. Uh, where's the Queen of Random? What are you doing there? We're on chapter five now, so you can stop replaying the Gambit stripping scene.  
  
Queen of Random: How dare you?! I am the Queen of Random, and if I want to watch hot Cajun mutants dance around in their tightie-whities, then I shall!  
  
Deemma_4w: Fine, but can't you wait until later?  
  
Queen of Random: I suppose so, but I must warn the audience that taking drugs is bad for them. That is all. Let chapter five begin!  
  
Chapter Five: Pretty Fly for a High Guy  
  
As Wanda walked away to the bathroom, Amanda looked around the room, trying to think of a suitable dare. "Pietro. Truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare!"  
  
"Dare you say? Fine by me. I dare you to go to Bayville," began Amanda.  
  
"And?"  
  
"Steal Evan's skateboard."  
  
"Done!" replied Pietro, and in a flash of white, blue and brown, he was gone.  
  
After seven minutes, and Pietro was still not back, Lance asked aloud, "What's taking him so long?"  
  
"Dunno."  
  
Then something flashed, and Pietro came riding down the aisle, on Evan's skateboard. "I got it!" he cackled. Then he fell off the skateboard.  
  
"Ha ha!"  
  
"Oh, shut up!"  
  
"Hey, Pietro," asked Kitty. "What's that in your hand?"  
  
"What, this?" Pietro held up a video camera. "I just made a home movie or two."  
  
"What do you mean by 'home movie'?" asked Gambit, shivering ever so slightly. "Hey, you up there!" he called to the driver. "Can't you turn up the heat?"  
  
"No need to," came the reply. "I was watching you earlier, and you seemed to be turning up the heat all by yourself."  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Just drop it, Gambit," interrupted Rogue. "I want to see these 'home movies' of Pietro's!"  
  
"Is there a TV around?" asked Pietro.  
  
"There's two, one in the large boy's stomach, and another up front. Take your pick," called the driver.  
  
"All right!" called Pyro, recovering slightly after his unpatriotic bet. "Let's get this show on the road!"  
  
"We are on the road," replied Colossus.  
  
"You know what I mean!"  
  
"Everyone ready?" asked Pietro, putting the video in the VCR. "I must warn you though, what you are about to see will both amaze and disturb you. Are there any children or pregnant women in the audience?"  
  
"Just play the damn tape!"  
  
"But what about Kitty?" asked Lance.  
  
"What about Kitty?"  
  
"She should not be subjected to this kind of punishment. I know what Pietro's home movies are like, and it is wrong to make her watch this!"  
  
"Okay, then," said Pietro. "It's my turn, and I dare you all to watch this video."  
  
"No fair!"  
  
"Oh, this'll be good," crowed Pyro.  
  
"Let the marvel begin!" announced Pietro.  
  
The video began to play. "Your camera work is really bad, Pietro!" shouted someone.  
  
"So?!"  
  
"Just shut up and watch the damn thing!"  
  
The viewpoint then panned to a doorway, which revealed Evan. But, it was not normal Evan. He was sitting in the Professor's spare wheel-chair, and. . .  
  
"Is that an afro on his head?"  
  
Yes, there was. And that is not all that was happening. You see, Evan was singing. And the song went something like this.  
  
"I was gonna save the world, but then I got high  
  
Was gonna pay for the jet's repair, but then I got high  
  
Now I'm a paraplegic, and I know why  
  
Hey, hey  
  
'Cause I got high  
  
Because I got high  
  
Because I got high."  
  
"Is he singing 'Because I got high'?"  
  
"I'm afraid so."  
  
"But those aren't the words, aren't they?"  
  
"They're his own creation," said Pietro, grinning like the cat that had got the cream. Which he might have stolen en route back to the bus.  
  
On the screen, Evan finished spinning around on the wheelchair, and continued his song. ". . . Now I'm a bald telepath, and I know why  
  
Hey, hey  
  
'Cause I got high  
  
Because I got high  
  
Because I got high."  
  
"Evan?! What are you doing?" asked a voice on screen.  
  
"Aunty O!" cried Evan, falling off his wheelchair. "I was just. . ."  
  
"I don't want to hear it, Evan. We are going to see Professor Xavier right now!"  
  
"But it. . ."  
  
"You know the rules about drugs in the Institute. And an afro is almost as bad. I know your Dennis Rodman style haircut isn't the best in the world, but at least you're in this decade!"  
  
Everyone laughed as they watched Evan get dragged out of the room, and the screen was now filled with Pietro's face. "I wonder what else is going on in Bayville?"  
  
Just then, Kurt sat up from his stupor, and asked, "Where is Wanda? Hey! What is she doing, floating outside the window?" Then he fell over again.  
  
"Who was the genius who got the elf drunk?"  
  
"That was Wanda. Speaking of Wanda," asked Jean. "Where is she?"  
  
"She went to the bathroom, remember?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. But what is taking her so long?"  
  
"Dunno. Maybe one of us should go and check?"  
  
"Not me!"  
  
"Nor me!"  
  
"Pietro, you go!"  
  
"Why me?!"  
  
"Because you're her brother!" answered Lance.  
  
"But that's why I shouldn't go!"  
  
"Just do it! You can get away fast enough, anyway," added Rogue.  
  
"True." But no matter how fast Pietro could run, he was walking at a shockingly slow pace to the bathroom.  
  
"Wanda?" he asked, knocking on the door. "Are you all right?"  
  
When there was no reply, he knocked on the door, putting a lot more force behind it. The door swung open.  
  
"Wanda?!" 


	6. The Toad, the Witch, and the Bathroom

Deemma_4w: I love underlying themes, don't you?  
  
Queen of Random: Yes, and so do our reviewers, apparently. This fic has been up for less than a day, and it already has seven reviews! We must be doing something right!  
  
Deemma_4w: Yes! So, thank you, to all our reviewers, and if you are reading this thing, review it! PLEASE!  
  
Chapter Six: The Toad, the Witch, and the Bathroom  
  
"Wanda?!"  
  
"Do you mind?! We'd like a little privacy in here!"  
  
As the door slammed shut, Pietro staggered away, howling, "My eyes! My innocent, virginal eyes!"  
  
"What's going on back there?" asked Scott.  
  
"My eyes! My innocent, virginal eyes!"  
  
"What do you mean 'innocent, virginal eyes'? There's nothing innocent about you! Or virginal," added Lance as an afterthought.  
  
"Wa-wa Wanda was in the bathroom," Pietro stammered.  
  
"Yeah, and?"  
  
"With Toad!"  
  
It took a few moments for the true meaning of this to hit the passengers. But then it hit, like a meteor about to destroy the world.  
  
"OHHHHHH!"  
  
"Like, GROSS!"  
  
"MORE MENTAL IMAGES! THEY'RE CHASING US!"  
  
"I KNEW THIS ROAD TRIP WAS A BAD IDEA!" shouted Scott.  
  
"What's so gross about two people standing in a bathroom" asked Freddy,  
  
"They ain't standing, Fred, they ain't standing."  
  
"Pietro, whose go is it now?"  
  
"It sounds like Todd is having a good go right about now."  
  
"Not my ears as well!" cried Pietro. "Not my innocent-"  
  
"Pietro, if you say 'innocent, virginal ears', I will touch you," warned Rogue, taking a glove off. Gambit moved out of her way, as a lot of him was bare for her to touch.  
  
"Virginal ears!"  
  
"That's it!"  
  
Pietro, unable to think, let alone move, did not avoid Rogue's bare hand as it slapped him. "I've been wanting to do that for so long," said Rogue. Then she sat down. Hard. "Oh, no. I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"What's wrong, chere?" asked a concerned voice.  
  
"I know why he said his innocent eyes, his virginal ears. He's a VIRGIN that's why!" she exclaimed.  
  
The room was silent. Then it exploded with sound.  
  
"You're KIDDING!" guffawed Pyro.  
  
"No way!" shouted Scott.  
  
"But I've heard the noises that come from his room!" added Lance. "Are you saying that he does them all by himself?"  
  
"Yeah, it's true," Rogue replied meekly. "He just jumps on his bed for a while, and then goes to sleep."  
  
"Ha ha!" laughed Freddy.  
  
"That's not funny!" cried Pietro, recovering quickly from being downed by Rogue.  
  
"Oh yes it is!" interrupted Pyro. "Todd's getting laid more than you!"  
  
"That reminds me!" interrupted Freddy. "I've got a song to sing! So I dare you to listen, and I'll pick someone to go after me!"  
  
"Oh no," muttered Lance. "I've heard you sing in the shower. It's not the Powerpuff Girls is it?"  
  
"No, not really. It's about us!"  
  
With that, Freddy launched into song.  
  
"Freddy, he is the big and fat one  
  
Lance, he has a thing for Kitty  
  
Pietro, the cocky innocent virgin  
  
Brotherhood saves the day  
  
(Todd's getting laid!)" he added as an afterthought.  
  
Fighting X-Geeks,  
  
Trying to kick their butts.  
  
Losing every time,  
  
The Brotherhood Guys!"  
  
There was applause coming from everyone on the bus, except for the driver (who was driving the bus), Lance, Pietro, and Kitty. Oh, yeah. And Todd and Wanda. But they were busy doing. . . other things (i.e. each other!).  
  
Pietro stood up. "I am not cocky!"  
  
"Notice how he doesn't deny the virgin status," whispered Colossus to Gambit.  
  
"I see."  
  
"Yeah, and we don't lose every time!" added Lance. "Since Wanda joined our side we've been kicking your butts!"  
  
"Ooh!" cried Freddy. "That reminds me! There's another verse to go!"  
  
And, of course, he started to sing it.  
  
"Wanda, the powerful Scarlet Witch  
  
Pissed off at her father and brother,  
  
Stalked by a dirty frog guy  
  
Wanda will kill us all!  
  
(Once she's done with Toad!)"  
  
That's it," announced Freddy. "It's over. Now I pick someone, and that person gets to ask someone truth or dare. I pick. . . Gambit!"  
  
"Kitty," asked Gambit, "truth or dare." 


	7. No one else would eat them

Deemma_4w: Powerpuff girls rule and don't you just love there matching eye shadow?  
  
Queen of Random: Not really. I much prefer listening to Freddy sing about the 'Brotherhood Guys'!  
  
Chapter Seven: No one else would eat them  
  
"Kitty, truth or dare?" repeated Gambit, when Kitty did not reply.  
  
"Dare," she whispered.  
  
"No!" shouted Lance. "You don't know what they'll make you do!"  
  
"Dare," Kitty repeated her voice firmer this time. "Name it, and, like, I'll do it."  
  
"I dare you to make some oatmeal-bran-chocolate-raisin muffins."  
  
"Yay! That's not too bad!" chorused Kitty.  
  
"Then you have to eat one."  
  
"Oh. Is that, like, meant to be, like, a bad thing?"  
  
"Kitty!" cried Lance, his face pale. "You don't have to do this. I'll eat the muffin!"  
  
"Oh no you don't, lover-boy," ordered Rogue, grabbing his shirt and pulling him back. "It's not worth it."  
  
"Like, hey!"  
  
As Kitty poured the mixture in the muffin tray, Lance watched her, his lower lip quivering ever so slightly.  
  
"Like, now what do I do? There's no oven!"  
  
"If anyone is hungry, feel free to use the kitchen upstairs," called the bus driver. "It's got anything you'd need to bake."  
  
"NO!" shouted Lance.  
  
"FOOD!" shouted Freddy, running up the stairs that, before now, none of them had even noticed.  
  
"Did you see that?" Colossus asked Pietro.  
  
"No. it was too fast."  
  
After a short while, Kitty came down the stairs, a batch of muffins in her arms. Freddy followed his arms full of food. As he ate, he burped, and from his stomach came the music from 'Blue's Clues'. He burped again, and the music stopped. "Sorry."  
  
Then Kitty sat down in her seat, and picked up a muffin. Slowly, she moved it to her mouth.  
  
"KITTY!" cried lance, and he jumped up and started running towards Kitty. "NO!"  
  
Unfortunately, a big, fleshy, food-carrying arm was in his way.  
  
CRASH!  
  
"Ugh," groaned Lance, as he fell to the floor unconscious.  
  
"We'd better tie him down," said Pietro, "otherwise he'll try and save her again. Anyone got anything to tie him down?"  
  
"I've got handcuffs!" called Amanda.  
  
Everyone turned to look at her. "What?"  
  
"Why do you. . . never mind," said Rogue. "Just hand them over here."  
  
Once one of the handcuffs was around Lance's wrist, Rogue looked around for something to handcuff him to. She grinned wickedly.  
  
And snapped the other end around Scott's wrist.  
  
Scott was pretty happy with himself. He had not been dared for a while, and neither had Jean. Everyone probably had forgotten about the whole karaoke ordeal.  
  
And then Rogue had to go and do that.  
  
Handcuff LANCE ALVERS to HIM! Of all people, why him? Wait, Rogue knew why, as she had seen in his mind, but still, WHY HIM? "NO FAIR, ROGUE!" he shouted.  
  
Unfortunately, that woke Lance up. He realised that Kitty had taken a bite of her muffin, and tried to stop her from eating any more. However, when he tried to get up, he found he fell down. Then he saw he was handcuffed to Scott, and began yelling at him.  
  
"What the?! How the hell did this happen?! Why am I handcuffed to SCOTT SUMMERS?!" Then he did the unspeakable. He grabbed Scott's head, moving it close to the handcuffs, and tried to pull off Scott's glasses.  
  
"LANCE!" shouted Kitty.  
  
"SCOTT!" shouted Jean.  
  
"HA HA!" shouted Pietro.  
  
"FOOD!" shouted Freddy.  
  
"WANDA!" yelled out a voice from the bathroom.  
  
"GROSS!" yelled everyone else.  
  
"DANCING MONKEYS!" yelled Kurt, still asleep.  
  
"Hey, hey!" called the bus driver. "Keep it down back there!"  
  
"Well, excuuuuse me! You try keeping quiet when it's YOUR sister in the bathroom with some guy!"  
  
"Not some guy!" called Pyro. "Todd!"  
  
"You're not helping!"  
  
"Who's not helping?" asked a voice. Everyone turned to see Todd and Wanda standing there, holding hands. "Well?" asked Wanda.  
  
"No one's helping Kitty!" called Lance, dragging Scott along to the table, where Kitty had just fainted. Lance tried to pick her up, but she phased through his hands. "No!"  
  
"No need to worry, son," said the bus driver, getting up. "I'll have you know that I am a qualified first-aider, and I know exactly how to deal with these sorts of problems. I'll just use my handy-dandy evil-muffin antidote." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small vial. "Just give her this," he said, before returning to his seat.  
  
"Did you see that?" asked Jean.  
  
"He got up while we were still going, but the bus drove by itself!" replied Gambit.  
  
There was a scream from Todd (you know what one I'm talking about. The girly one!) and he ducked behind Wanda, yelling, "It's a ghost bus!"  
  
"It's all right, my big man," cooed Wanda. "It's just got an auto-pilot system."  
  
"Big man?" asked Rogue, but Wanda didn't answer because of what Pietro was doing.  
  
He was dancing around, fingers in his ears, singing, "La la la la! I'm not listening! La la la la! I'm not listening!"  
  
"SHUT UP, PIETRO!"  
  
Pietro pulled the fingers from his ears. "Who's next?" 


	8. The Ultimate Wedgie

Deemma_4w: WE'RE BACK!  
  
Queen of Random: And better than ever! Thanks to all those who reviewed our story, I have something to tell you: You are now RANDOM CITIZENS!  
  
Deemma_4w: On another note, MORE CHARACTERS AND MORE SINGING! YAY! Oh, and we do not own anything, except the modified versions of any songs that may appear in this story. Thank you.  
  
Chapter Eight: The Ultimate Wedgie  
  
Kitty sat up and started rubbing her head. "That was, like, a major owie." Then she looked at Lance, who was holding her hand. "Why are you handcuffed to Scott?"  
  
"Don't ask."  
  
"I won't."  
  
"Whose turn is it now?" asked Pyro.  
  
"I guess it would be Kitty's," replied Jean. "Go ahead, Kitty."  
  
"Sure. Truth or dare, Jean?" asked Kitty.  
  
"D'oh!" shouted Scott.  
  
"Dare," answered Jean, not forgetting the 'natural red-head' question.  
  
"I dare you to, like, give someone," Kitty paused to think about it, "the ultimate wedgie."  
  
"Oh no!" shouted Pietro.  
  
"Who?" asked Jean.  
  
"You can choose," answered Kitty.  
  
"Okay, then. I choose. . . Pyro."  
  
"All right!" yelled Pyro. "Wait a minute. . . oh, no!"  
  
"Oh yes," answered Jean, and she raised a hand.  
  
"YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"  
  
"Oh, stop being such a baby!"  
  
"Hey! Look at those, cuddlebumps!"  
  
Wanda looked at what Todd was pointing at. "Those are Barbie underwear!"  
  
"But I thought that Barbie underwear was made only for girls," said Colossus.  
  
"Yeah, they are."  
  
"But then, why is Pyro, a man, wearing pink underwear?"  
  
"I haven't a clue," answered Rogue.  
  
"You know what," said Pietro, a mischievous grin on his face, "you and Wanda should start your own Barbie fan club!'  
  
Pyro managed to look up, a pained expression on his face. "You told!" he groaned, before passing out from the pain.  
  
"Okay, then," said Kitty. "Why don't you go now, Jean?"  
  
"Uh, oh," whispered Pietro. "Jean's pissed off big time."  
  
Jean whirled on Pietro. "You're right, I am pissed off. And that's why I am asking you, Pietro, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare, duh!" he said, not wanting to look any more like the 'cocky, innocent virgin'.  
  
"Fine," said Jean, ignoring the fact that Pietro was looking even cockier because of what he just said. "I dare you to go get Tabitha from the Institute, and when you have brought her here, you have to sing a little song to her."  
  
"What song?"  
  
"Don't worry about that. We'll get it ready while you are out," said Jean. "I'm sure the always-helpful bus driver will know of the perfect song for you."  
  
Pietro paled, as he knew how helpful the bus driver could be. But he straightened his back, and ran off.  
  
A few seconds later, he returned, Tabitha in his arms. "Let go of me, you pervert! I said, let me go, or else!"  
  
You see, when Pietro had raced to the Institute, Tabitha had been in the shower, and so she arrived on the bus, dressed only in a towel. "Oh, hey guys," she said, noticing that there were people looking at her. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Well," said Jean, "Pietro here wanted to sing you a little song." She looked at Colossus, who seemed to have been put in charge of the karaoke machine. "Hit it! Wait, not literally," she added, when she noticed that Colossus was about to smash the machine. "I mean, just play the song!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
And then the music began to play, Pietro (with a little incentive from Wanda) got down on one knee, and began to sing.  
  
"If you're alone and you need a friend  
  
Someone to make you forget your problems  
  
Just come along baby  
  
Take my hand  
  
I'll be your lover tonight  
  
This is what I wanna do  
  
Let's have some fun  
  
What I want is me and you  
  
Boom boom boom boom  
  
I want you in my room  
  
Let's spend the night together  
  
From now until forever  
  
Boom boom boom boom  
  
I wanna do the boom  
  
Let's spend the night together  
  
Together in my room  
  
Everybody get on down  
  
The Brotherhood is back in town  
  
This is what I wanna do  
  
Let's have some fun  
  
What I want is me and you  
  
Boom boom boom boom  
  
I want you in my room  
  
Let's spend the night together  
  
From now until forever  
  
Boom boom boom boom  
  
I wanna do the boom  
  
Let's spend the night together  
  
Together in my room" 


	9. Look at me, look at me!

Chapter Nine: Look at me, look at me!  
  
Just as this chapter was being put up, a girl with fiery red hair came riding across the page on a pig yelling, "I'm a distraction! I'm a distraction! Look at me! I'm a distraction!"  
  
She left the page, before returning dressed in a Batgirl costume. "Hey, you know what they say: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."  
  
"I thought I told Pyro to have you on a leash, Flame!" shouted another girl, running onto the page. "Never mind," she said, grabbing Flame.  
  
"But MaMa MoOoSh!"  
  
"I don't want to hear it! Hey! Why did you set my hair on fire?!"  
  
"He he he. It's not brown any more!"  
  
Back in Randomland, Deemma_4w and the Queen of Random watched the two girls go at each other.  
  
"I don't think it was a good idea to make them Random Citizens," said Deemma_4w.  
  
"Oh, be quiet!"  
  
Note from Deemma_4w and the Queen of Random: WE MADE YOU LOOK! 


	10. TEDDY!

Deemma_4w: We do not own the original of this song, but this version. . . well, IT'S OURS! So keep your slimy hands of it!  
  
Queen of Random: No offence, Todd.  
  
Chapter Ten: We've got your Lancitty, your Romy, we even have your Jott, now we are proud to introduce you to the greatest couple of them all (and  
we know you will love it!): TEDDY!  
  
"Sorry, speedy," said Tabitha. "You're not my kind of guy," she finished, walking over to the karaoke machine, and tapping a few buttons. "You're not my type because. . .  
  
I like big butts and I can not lie  
  
You other mutants can't deny  
  
That when a guy walks in with an itty bitty waste  
  
And a round thing in your face  
  
You get sprung  
  
Wanna pull up front  
  
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed  
  
Deep in the jeans he's wearing  
  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
  
Oh, Freddy I wanna get with ya  
  
And take your picture  
  
My homegirls tried to warn me  
  
But with that butt you got  
  
Me so horny  
  
Ooh, rub all of that smooth skin  
  
You say you wanna get in my Benz  
  
Well use me, use me cuz you ain't that average groupy  
  
I've seen them dancin'  
  
The hell with romancin'  
  
He sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette  
  
I'm tired of magazines  
  
saying flat butt's the only thing  
  
Take the average white girl and ask her that  
  
He gotta pack much back, so  
  
Mutants (yeah), mutant (yeah)  
  
Has your boyfriend got the butt (hell yeah)  
  
Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt  
  
Freddy got back  
  
I like' em round and big  
  
And when I'm throwin' a gig  
  
I just can't help myself  
  
I'm actin like an animal  
  
Now here's my scandal  
  
I wanna get you home  
  
And ugh, double ugh, ugh  
  
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy  
  
Cuz silicone parts were made for toys  
  
I wannem real thick and juicy  
  
So find that juicy double  
  
Tabitha's in trouble  
  
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble  
  
So I'm lookin' at rock videos  
  
Watchin' these playas walkin' like hoes  
  
You can have them playas  
  
I'll keep my mutants like Blob, yo!  
  
A word to the thick soul mutants  
  
I wanna get with ya  
  
I won't cus or hit ya  
  
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna fuck  
  
Til the break of dawn  
  
Freddy, I got it goin on  
  
A lot of pimps won't like this song  
  
Cuz them punks like to hit it and quit it  
  
But I'd rather stay and play  
  
Cuz I'm blonde and a bomb  
  
And I'm down to get the friction on  
  
So mutants (yeah), mutants (yeah)  
  
If you wanna role in my Mercedes (yeah)  
  
Then turn around  
  
Stick it out  
  
Even humans got to shout  
  
Freddy got back  
  
Yeah Freddy  
  
When it comes to mutants  
  
Playboy ain't got nothin to do with my selection  
  
36-24-36  
  
Only if he's 6'3"  
  
So your boyfriend rolls a Honda  
  
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda  
  
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda  
  
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hon  
  
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt  
  
Some mutants wanna play that hard role  
  
and tell you that the butt need to go  
  
So they toss it and leave it  
  
And I pull up quick to retrieve it  
  
So Playboy says you're fat  
  
Well I ain't down with that  
  
Cuz your waist is big and your curves are kickin'  
  
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'  
  
To the beanpole guys in the magazines  
  
You ain't it Mr Thang  
  
Give me a mutant I can't resist him  
  
Red beans and rice didn't miss him  
  
Some valley girl tried to dis  
  
Cuz her guys were on my list  
  
She had game but she chose to hit 'em  
  
And pulled up quick to get with 'em  
  
So mutants if the butt is round  
  
And you wanna triple X throw down  
  
Dial 1-900-bada-boom and kick them nasty thoughts  
  
Freddy got back."  
  
"Damn," said Todd. "She's still only in her towel." WHACK! "Sorry, honey!"  
  
"That's better," said Wanda.  
  
"If it were you in the towel, I would be staring at you!"  
  
"I should hope not. That would be very boring!"  
  
"So," said Freddy to Tabitha. "I think we should talk." 


	11. The IQ Cop

Deemma_4w: What do all of you think of Teddy?  
  
Queen of Random: I think it's cute! Everyone is pairing off: Wanda and Todd, Tabitha and Freddy, Gambit and Rogue, Scott, Pietro, Lance and Kitty. . .  
  
Deemma_4w: Don't think we've mentioned that yet.  
  
Queen of Random: Oops. Too bad. Makes for some interesting reviews.  
  
Chapter Eleven: The IQ Cop.  
  
"It's my turn!" announced Pietro. "And for truth or dare, I pick. . . Pietro!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You can't do that!"  
  
"And why not?" asked Pietro. "I pick truth." With that, he ran around to the other side of the bus. "So, Pietro," he asked the spot where he had been sitting, "you pick truth?"  
  
"Yes," he answered, suddenly back in his original seat  
  
There was a blur. "Who is the most attractive person on this bus?"  
  
Blur. "Me, obviously."  
  
Another blur. "And why is that?"  
  
Blur. "Because who else is as good-looking as I am, is as smart as I am, has such defined features as me-"  
  
"A girl!" called Todd. Wanda only smiled at Todd.  
  
Pietro glared at Todd. "Fine then. I've finished asking myself these questions, and as the person who got asked, I can ask anyone I want if they want a truth or a dare." He narrowed his eyes at Todd. "And I seem to recall that YOU have not been asked to tell a truth or do a dare. So I pick you, Todd. Truth or dare?"  
  
Todd looked at Wanda. "What should I pick, snookums?"  
  
"Show my brother what kind of man you are by doing one of his childish dares."  
  
"Okay, then. Dare, yo!"  
  
Pietro smiled. "I dare you to. . . STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY SISTER YOU FROG-BOY PERVERT!"  
  
"PERVERT?!" yelled Wanda. "KEEP YOUR MOUTH OFF MY MAN!"  
  
"HE IS A PERVERT! HE'S BEEN STALKING YOU FROM DAY ONE!"  
  
"AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?! YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY BACK-STABBING ME!" shouted Wanda.  
  
"OH, THAT'S IT! BRING IT ON, SISTA!"  
  
"OH, YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, VIRGIN?! FINE THEN, YOU CAN HAVE IT!" With that, she slapped him.  
  
"Go, honey-lips!" shouted Todd. "but don't kill him!" Then he saw that both Pietro and Wanda were doing the whole bitch-slapping thing. "Never mind! Kill him!"  
  
"OW, OW, OW!" cried the twins as a very motherly-like Rogue pinched their ears.  
  
"Now you two behave," she said very firmly. "Or else you find that I'll will be doing this, but with no gloves. IS THAT CLEAR?"  
  
"Crystal," replied the twins.  
  
"Actually, chere," interrupted a voice.  
  
"This is not the time for that."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Todd," said Amanda. "I think it's your turn now. I don't think it's fair that you should have to stay away from Wanda, either." Almost everybody on the bus voiced their agreement with this fact.  
  
Todd was beaming at this show of support for him and his beloved. "Thanks, yo. All right, I pick-"  
  
But, unfortunately, Todd's choice for the game was drowned out by the voice of the driver over the loudspeaker. "Sorry, folks, but you are going to have to take a break from this game. There are a couple of cop cars on the side of the road, and they want us to pull over. You can resume this game once we're back on the road."  
  
"Mornin', folks," said the man in uniform as he got into the bus. "Sorry for disturbing you, but this is a compulsory IQ testing station."  
  
"Huh?" asked Kurt. "What was that about the dancing monkeys?"  
  
"Is he drunk?" asked the officer.  
  
"Not any more!" answered Kurt, indignant. "Just a teensy bit hung-over, though."  
  
"I'm sorry, son, but I'm going to have to test your alcohol level. If you'll come with me, sir, we can get this over and done with."  
  
"Now, son," said the officer, once he and Kurt were outside the bus. "I need to ask you a few a few questions."  
  
"Sure, Mr Cop-dude."  
  
"First: What is your name?"  
  
"Kurt Wagner, but you can call me elf."  
  
"Elf?" asked the officer, perplexed.  
  
"Oh, wait. My image inducer is on. Amanda must have put it on while I was asleep."  
  
"Amanda?"  
  
"My girlfriend. She likes me for who I am."  
  
"That's. . . nice," replied the officer. "Now, what do you mean by 'elf' and 'image inducer'?"  
  
"This!" said Kurt proudly. With that, he flipped of the inducer's holographic image.  
  
"You're blue! And furry!" shouted the cop.  
  
"Chicks dig the fuzzy dude!" replied Kurt. Then he looked down at his outstretched hands. "Ach! I have only three fingers! On each hand!" and then Kurt started screaming.  
  
"You know, blue," called Tabitha, leaning out of the bus window, "you've always had three fingers."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Why is that young lady wearing only a towel?" asked the cop.  
  
"Because I was in the shower!" called Tabitha.  
  
"I did not know that buses had showers."  
  
"They don't!" called Tabitha again. "I was in the shower when Pietro kidnapped me!"  
  
The cop's face took on a very serious look. "Kidnapping is a serious crime. You should press charges against this Pietro."  
  
"And why would you want to do that to a wonderful guy like me?" asked Pietro, leaning out of the window.  
  
"You know, Pietro," said Pyro, joining the group of mutants who were leaning out the window. "With a face like yours, you'd be really popular in prison."  
  
Todd, Gambit, Scott and Lance all snickered at this. Then Scott and Lance remembered that they were still handcuffed to each other, and they went back to glaring at each other.  
  
"Anyway, folks," said the officer, who had decided (cleverly enough) not to ask any more questions about why the teens were all doing weird things, "this is the reason I stopped you. You must all take an IQ test."  
  
"A what?" asked Colossus.  
  
"An IQ test," repeated the cop. "a test to determine how smart you are."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"So, are you all ready to take the test?" 


	12. And the Results are in!

Queen of Random: Oh, an IQ test! I never did like those things. They are always biased against me!  
  
Deemma_4w: So what did you get? You can tell me how low you got.  
  
Queen of Random: Only 126.  
  
Deemma_4w: O-kay. Wonder what the mutants will get?  
  
Chapter Twelve: And the Results are in!  
  
Pyro stared in dismay at the first question on the sheet of paper the cop had given him. "This is so unfair," he muttered. "Why did the first question have to be so hard? And what does my being Australian have to do with anything?"  
  
"Shhh!" hissed Jean.  
  
"What do you care, Jean? You can cheat!" said Tabitha.  
  
"No I can't," answered Jean crossly. "I checked. No one knows the answers! Well, Pyro knows the answer to question two: Are you Australian?"  
  
"Well, at least you can see what colours the pictures are," added Rogue.  
  
"I know," said Kitty. "He's really annoying Lance, too."  
  
And he was. From their section of the bus, this conversation could be heard.  
  
"Stop moving your arm so much, goggle boy!"  
  
"Well, I'm sorry, shake-down, but my right hand is the one hand-cuffed to you, and I just happen to right with that hand!"  
  
"So? And I'm left handed!"  
  
"Yeah, well, you scratching your butt with that hand is not a great experience!"  
  
"Well, you did it first!"  
  
"JEAN!"  
  
"KITTY!"  
  
"Stop shaking the bus!" shouted Colossus. Like Kurt, he was struggling with some of the English in the test.  
  
There was a small BANG! (okay, maybe a big bang!) and Gambit raised a hand like an obedient school boy. "May I have another pencil?"  
  
"Why?" asked the cop.  
  
"I got frustrated, and it blew up."  
  
"Isn't that what happened to your pants?"  
  
"Yes. And your point is?"  
  
"Here," said the cop, digging through his pockets. "Have one of mine. But this is the last one, you hear me? You've already had five others!"  
  
"Are you finished, son?" asked the cop.  
  
Freddy nodded. "Yes, sir."  
  
The cop raised an eyebrow. He was surprised that Freddy was the only one finished.  
  
"I'm, like, finished too!" piped up a voice.  
  
"And me!" called Tabitha.  
  
"I've been finished for ages!" called Pietro.  
  
"Then why didn't you mention it earlier?" asked Rogue.  
  
"I didn't want to look like a show-off."  
  
"And since when do you not look like a show-off?"  
  
"I believe that our friend Pietro is ostentatious all the time," said Freddy. When he saw that everyone was staring at him, he responded with, "What? I'm allowed to use big words, aren't I?"  
  
Five minutes later. . .  
  
"Attention, everyone," announced the cop. "we have the results. Here is the list of all of you on this bus, excluding the driver. Please note that this is from the person with the least intelligence, to the person with the most intelligence.  
  
John Allerdyce a.k.a Pyro Todd Tolenksy a.ka. Toad Piotr Rasputin a.k.a Colossus Pietro Maximoff a.k.a Quicksilver Scott Summers a.k.a Cyclops AND Lance Alvers a.k.a Avalanche Kurt Wagner a.k.a Nightcrawler Amanda Sefton Wanda Maximoff a.k.a the Scarlet Witch Tabitha Smith a.k.a Boom Boom Jean Grey Rogue Remy Lebeau a.k.a Gambit Katherine 'Kitty' Pryde a.k.a Shadowcat Frederick J. Dukes a.k.a the Blob  
  
"Hey!" said Freddy, after the list was read out. "Who is this Frederick guy, and where was I?"  
  
"Um, Freddy?" said Todd. "You are 'Frederick J. Dukes a.k.a the Blob', yo!"  
  
"Really? Oh, man! I'm at the bottom of the list!"  
  
"That's a good thing. That means you're the smartest of us all!"  
  
"No way!" shouted Jean. "There is just no way that I am dumber than Freddy, let alone Rogue!"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"I demand a retest!" yelled Scott. "There is no way that I am equal to this. . . to this. . . to this. . . oh, forget it. Insert insult here!"  
  
"Nice comeback, shades!"  
  
"Oh yeah, rock-boy? Why don't you try me, and I'll release us from these handcuffs, and I'll do it by blasting off your hand!"  
  
"Go ahead, make my day!" he shouted, but did not say anything more, as both he and Scott were once again forced apart (although, it was for a very short distance, mind you) by Jean and Kitty.  
  
"Sorry to have to interrupt here, folks," said the cop. "I regret to inform you that there was a mistake made by one of my fellow IQ officers. It concerns this young man's result," he finished, indicating Freddy.  
  
"Oh, good. He didn't get the top score!" said Jean, relieved.  
  
"No, ma'am. We were off by his score by another twenty points. It was higher than the mark we originally gave him."  
  
"No!" shouted Jean. And then she fainted.  
  
Pyro, ignoring Jean, asked, "Well, why did I get the lowest mark?!"  
  
"Do you remember question two?"  
  
"Yes. I marked that one as a yes."  
  
"And there is your answer. That is an automatic fifty points deduction from your score."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"You're an Australian, son. DEAL WITH IT!" With that, the cop tipped his hat, and got off the bus. And the bus continued on its merry mutant way. 


	13. Insert Title Here

Queen of Random: We're ba-ack! And better than ever!  
  
Deemma_4w: We're on the computer, high on sugar, and on holiday!  
  
Queen of Random: Labour Day starts tomorrow, Deemma_4w.  
  
Deemma_4w: No biggee. (Fasts forwards time) Now, we're on holiday!  
  
Queen of Random: I'm not going to say anything about that. Let's just get on with chapter thirteen.  
  
Deemma_4w: He he. We were too lazy to think of a title for this chapter. We're like Scott!  
  
Deemma_4w: Wait a minute, no I don't!  
  
Chapter Thirteen: Insert Title Here  
  
"Well, that was weird," said Pyro.  
  
"What do you mean by that? We're mutants!" answered Pietro. "Everything is weird for us, you dumb Australian!"  
  
"What's with all the ganging up on the Australian?"  
  
"It's fun," said Colossus simply.  
  
"Todd needs to ask someone truth or dare," interrupted Amanda, trying to cool things off before things got out of hand. "Go ahead, Todd."  
  
"Okay," said Todd, looking around. "Rogue, truth or dare?"  
  
Rogue had to think about this for a while. If she picked dare, she might have to touch somebody else, and it was hard enough staying sane on this bus with both Scott and Pietro floating around in her head. Scott, for his part, was busy in her head making her feel like she had to act all adult- like. Pietro, on the other hand, wanted to have her hand-cuff Lance and Scott's other hands to each other. This thing was very tempting, but it wasn't fun listening to memory Scott trying to kick memory Pietro's butt. And the Scott in her head was as bad at insults as the real thing.  
  
"Truth," she said finally, after much internal debate (Pietro was busy shouting in her head 'Just get on with it so for your next dare you can have Todd jump out the window, and away from Wanda!).  
  
"What has been grossing you out since you touched Scott and Pietro?" asked Todd.  
  
The colour drained from both Scott's and Pietro's faces. "What?"  
  
"Fine," said Rogue. "When I touched Scott I saw that there was someone, other than Jean, he liked. And with Pietro, he liked the same person that Scott did."  
  
"And who would that be?" asked Lance, looking at Scott warily. (By the way, they are still hand-cuffed to each other!)  
  
"Tell us!" ordered Gambit, still in his tightie-whities. "And can I get some pants over here?"  
  
"No," answered Rogue. "And Scott and Pietro both have a thing for. . ."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The suspense is, like, killing me!"  
  
"They both have a crush on. . . LANCE ALVERS!"  
  
Lance looked at Scott in disbelief. "HOLY CRAP! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" he shouted, trying to run away from Scott. He ran up the stairs to the second level of the bus, and, as Scott was still hand-cuffed to him, Scott was dragged up the stairs. "AAHHH!" came a cry, and Lance came running back down the stairs, Scott bouncing after him.  
  
"Like, what is it?"  
  
"THERE'S A BED UP THERE!" shouted Lance. "ONE OF THOSE ROTATING ONES THAT WAS ON THAT AUSTIN POWERS MOVIE!"  
  
"Why is there a bed up there?" asked Jean, not noticing the glance that passed between Todd and Wanda.  
  
"The answer to that is simple, ma'am," called the bus driver. "The top level of this bus automatically transforms itself into whatever it deems necessary."  
  
"But that would mean that the bus is alive," said Amanda.  
  
There was a girly shriek. "The bus is alive!" shouted Todd, and leapt into Wanda's arms.  
  
"WHY ON EARTH WOULD THE BUS DEEM IT NECCESARY TO PUT A BED UP THERE WHEN SCOTT AND I WENT UP THERE?!"  
  
"We're not going to answer that."  
  
"Let's just go one with the next dare," suggested Jean.  
  
"That's, like, a good idea. And can I get Lance out of those handcuffs?"  
  
"Yes!" shouted Lance.  
  
"No!" shouted everyone else.  
  
"It's my turn," said Rogue. "And I choose Tabitha."  
  
"All right. I choose dare."  
  
"I had not asked you whether you wanted to do a truth or a dare."  
  
"I still pick dare."  
  
Rogue frowned, and looked slightly angry. "I dare you to sing some more karaoke. You have to sing 'Lady Marmalade', from Moulin Rouge."  
  
"That's not that bad."  
  
"In costume!"  
  
Tabitha only laughed when she heard that. "I am in a towel. A bra and brief set is not going to show you much else, you know."  
  
"It will on Logan, Sabertooth, Colossus and Freddy."  
  
"What do you mean, Sabertooth and Logan?"  
  
Just then, there was the roar of motorbikes, and both Sabertooth and Logan appeared behind the bus, riding on their motorbikes, chasing a blonde guy, also on a motorbike, who was shouting something no one could understand.  
  
"STOP THE BUS!" shouted someone in all the confusion.  
  
The bus driver slammed his foot down and the bus stopped suddenly. Pietro, who was sitting in the back seat, was pitched forward, rolling down the aisle of the bus, and landed at Lance's feet.  
  
Lance screamed, as he knew that Pietro was the other guy on the bus who had a crush on him, and ended up leaping into the air. When everyone managed to stand up again, Lance was now inside the luggage rack. Scott, still attached to him, was dangling below, in midair.  
  
"Let's not do that again any time soon," groaned Kitty.  
  
It was then that Logan and Sabertooth got on the bus.  
  
"Hey, it's Logan and Sabertooth! What are you guys doing here?" asked Kurt.  
  
"What's it to you, bub?  
  
"We were chasing that blonde guy," explained Sabertooth.  
  
"He got away," complained Logan.  
  
"What was he shouting?" asked Jean.  
  
"I have sand in my underpants," said Sabertooth.  
  
"WHY?!"  
  
Logan and Sabertooth did not reply. Instead, they looked away and began to whistle.  
  
"O-kay. I really do not want to know why," said Rogue. Then she brightened. "Do you want to join in on our game of truth or dare?"  
  
Sabertooth and Logan looked at each other. "Sure. Why not?" 


	14. Mutant Marmalade

Chapter Fourteen: Mutant Marmalade  
  
"What is our dare? asked Sabertooth.  
  
"Well, it's actually Tabitha's turn. She's just been dared to sing Lady Marmalade."  
  
"But that needs four singers," said Scott.  
  
"And that's why it is so good that you two arrived," said Rogue. "You, along with our friend Colossus over there, can help Tabitha by singing along."  
  
Logan and Sabertooth looked at each other. "Okay."  
  
"You do have to wear costumes," informed Pyro. "the skimpy little ones."  
  
"Where would we get them?"  
  
"This bus is alive," said Todd. "You can find the costumes upstairs."  
  
"All right," said Tabitha. "If you three will just follow me, we'll go get changed. And I can get out of this towel."  
  
As the four walked upstairs. Logan could be heard asking, "Why are you in a towel?"  
  
"Why have you got your ear pressed to the door, Todd?" asked Pietro.  
  
"I want to hear what is going on upstairs. So be quiet!"  
  
They all strained to hear what was being said, but heard nothing.  
  
"Try the air vent," suggested the bus driver.  
  
"I'm really starting to like this guy, yo."  
  
Now that they were listening through the air vent, they could now hear exactly what was being said.  
  
"Hey! That's my bustier!"  
  
"Well, of you want it so much, give me back my whip!"  
  
"Has anyone seen a pair of fake eyelashes?"  
  
"There in that pair of high heels over in the corner!"  
  
"Nice panties!"  
  
"I bags Christina!"  
  
"Aw, man, I wanted to be Christina! Okay, then, I'll be Lil' Kim."  
  
That was all they managed to hear from the air vent.  
  
After about ten minutes, the four mutants returned from upstairs, to the sounds of several catcalls. "Nice bra, Logan!"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Can somebody please get the karaoke machine? Thank you."  
  
And then the notes of Lady Marmalade began to play, and the mutants began to strut their stuff.  
  
"Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister  
  
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister," they all sang together.  
  
Then Tabitha stepped forward, wearing a black and red costume, holding a whip, and doing a perfect imitation of Mya.  
  
"He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge  
  
Strutting her stuff on the street  
  
She said, "Hello, hey Joe  
  
You wanna give it a go?" oh"  
  
And then the others joined in.  
  
"Itchy gitchi yaya dada (hey hey hey)  
  
Itchy gitchi yaya hee (hee oh)  
  
Mocha chocolata yaya (ooh yeah)  
  
Creole Lady Marmalade (ohh)  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (oh oh)  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi (yeah yeah yeah yeah)"  
  
Next stepped forward Colossus, wearing a bright pink wig. He was more forward in his dancing than Tabitha, but his singing left much to be desired.  
  
"He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up  
  
Boy drank all that magnolia wine  
  
On her black satin sheets  
  
Is where he started to freak, yeah."  
  
And the others once again joined in for the chorus.  
  
"Itchy gitchi yaya dada (hey hey hey)  
  
Itchy gitchi yaya hee (hee oh)  
  
Mocha chocolata yaya (ooh yeah)  
  
Creole Lady Marmalade (ohh)  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (oh oh)  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi (yeah yeah yeah yeah)"  
  
The third mutant to sing was Logan. Well, he was not singing, but more like rapping.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, aw  
  
We come through with the money and the garter belts  
  
Let 'em know we 'bout that cake, straight out the gate  
  
We independent mutants, some mistake us for whores  
  
I'm saying, why spend mine when I can spend yours  
  
Disagree, well that's you and I'm sorry  
  
I'mma keep playing these cats out like Atari  
  
Wear high heeled shoes, get love from the dudes  
  
Four badass mutes from the Mutant Rouge  
  
Hey sisters, soul sisters  
  
Gotta get that dough sisters  
  
We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case  
  
The meaning of expensive taste."  
  
And then it was the chorus time.  
  
"We wanna itchi gitchi yaya (come on)  
  
Mocha chocolata (what)  
  
Creole Lady Marmalade  
  
(One more time, come on)  
  
Marmalade (ooh)  
  
Lady Marmalade (ooh yeah)  
  
Marmalade (ohh)."  
  
Last to step forward was Sabertooth, looking absolutely ridiculous as Christina. By this time Lance had popped his head out of the luggage compartment, and was trying not to laugh at the giant, murderous mutant strutting his stuff in a very revealing outfit, and very dodgy hair-do.  
  
But then Sabertooth opened his mouth, and surprised them all.  
  
He could sing!  
  
And very well, too!  
  
"Hey, hey, hey  
  
Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth, oh  
  
Colour of cafe au lait, all right  
  
Made the savage beast inside  
  
Roar until he cried  
  
More, more, more."  
  
Everyone just stared at the mutant. He had just belted out a perfect imitation of the singer, and was not dancing too badly, either.  
  
But, sadly, it was now Colossus' turn once again to sing.  
  
"Now he's back home doing nine to five (nine to five)"  
  
"Living a grey flannel life," added Tabitha.  
  
"But when he turns off to sleep, memories keep  
  
More, more, more," sang Sabertooth, stealing the stage.  
  
And once again, it was time for the chorus.  
  
"Itchi gitchi yaya dada  
  
Itchi gitchi yaya hee (ohh)  
  
Mocha chocolata ya ya (ooh)  
  
Creole Lady Marmalade  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (ce soir)  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi, ce soir (ce soir)  
  
Voulez - vous coucher avec moi (ohh)  
  
Come on, uh."  
  
Suddenly, Freddy jumped up and started 'getting jiggy with it' with Tabitha, who was getting very close to her larger-than-life boyfriend. Then, he, too began to sing, and took overt the lines in the song usually reserved for Missy Elliot.  
  
"Sabertooth," he tried to sing (but failed).  
  
Sabertooth leapt forward, and continued his rendition of the song.  
  
"Mutant."  
  
"Colossus," added Freddy.  
  
"Mutant Marmalade!" sang the Russian.  
  
"Logan!"  
  
"Hey, uh uh uh uh uh uh uh."  
  
"Tabitha!" Freddy almost roared with delight.  
  
"Lady."  
  
And then they all began the grand finale.  
  
"Moulin Rouge  
  
Ooh  
  
Misdemeanour here  
  
Creole Lady Marmalade, ooh yeah."  
  
All finishing with very suggestive poses.  
  
Everyone just stared. 


End file.
